BAA Half Marathon

(AP) Boston, MA -- The eighth annual BAA half-not-whole marathon was held Sunday, October 12, 2008. The men’s and women’s divisions were expected to be won by Kenyans and Ethiopians with legs tall enough to hurdle the Hancock building; however, many eyes were on Utah native Laura Dickey, who was signed up by her friend Tim and had undergone a rigorous training schedule of running around and around and around a small, local pond. It was unclear whether Dickey would make it past the 3-mile marker.

When the thirty-year-old mother of zero arrived at Fenway the morning of the race with the other 5,116 contestants, she realized that she probably should not have eaten Grapenuts for breakfast; regrettably, the lines to the port-o-johns extended just past the New Hampshire border, so Dickey made her way to the starting line. Shortly after the 13.1-mile race began, she mustered a burst of energy and passed the aforementioned, long-limbed Kenyans; unfortunately, they were running in the opposite direction on their return trip to the finish line. Dickey reports becoming discouraged when several elderly persons passed her and as the morning's grapenuts refused to digest politely. Things started to look up when Tim, a much faster runner who had originally planned to leave her in the dust at the 2-mile marker, felt an unprecedented emotion called pity, pretended to not feel well (he had also consumed the pro-regulatory cereal that morning), and decided to run the entire race with her.

At the 7-mile mark, Dickey remembered some inspirational speeches from her EFY past, and decided to think positively and visualize. At mile 8, she managed to pass a few people, including an obviously pregnant woman and a man walking his dog. In the opposite direction. With newfound confidence, she triumphantly ran on, but stopped at mile 12 so that Tim’s nephews could give him high-fives and show off their home-made signs and t-shirts. The team stumbled across the finish line victoriously after 2 hours and 19 minutes, in impressive 3207th and 3208th places. When swarming reporters asked them how they felt, Tim said, “I’m experiencing tronchanteric bursitis complications, as well as a small degree of gastrointestinal distress.” Dickey did not stick around to comment and was last seen pushing people out of the port-o-john line.