The Lily Chronicles: The Art of Eating Food

I’m not really sure how to say this other than to just blurt the unpleasant truth:  Lily is a bit messy when eating. 

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“Hey Mom, I swear I didn’t eat any candy while you were gone.”

“No, that’s not yogurt all over my face.  I just have a very glow-in-the-dark complexion."

“The applesauce was so tasty I felt compelled to rub it all over in my hair, ears, and eyeballs.  Once I got going, I couldn’t stop.”

“Thanks for the pumpkin-chocolate cookies, Grandma.  I’ll have 16 more.  You’re really great, I mean that sincerely.”

“I’m so excited Mom graduated I’m going to smash cake onto my nipples.”

“This is the best first birthday ever, except that my dress is sticky.  Gross.  Now I shall lean to the left.”

“I’ve invented a new dish.  It’s called pea and cupcake casserole.”

(Gluttony is exhausting.)

(Gluttony is exhausting, the sequel.)

(Gluttony is exhausting, part 3.)

Mom:  “Lily, don’t throw your chips on the floor… hey pick up your chips… stop stomping them into the ground… LILYYYYYYY!!!!”

“Somebody dropped some crumbs on the floor.  What a slob. Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll clean up here…”

“Yeah… uhhh… don’t make that again.”

“Cheese!”

“Hey, why do you take my clothes off before I eat?  Weird…”

“Don’t worry, Mom.  I’m not going to eat any dirt.  I swear I’m not eating dirt.  Mmmm… dirt.”

The Lily Chronicles: Spider Baby

Lily is, as Jill will attest, “pure Dickey.”  She loves to climb on things, and I just dare you to tell her not to do it.

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“Hey Mom, I’m just up here eating all the things.”

“Hey Mom, I’m just up here eating all the things again.  No seriously… I took a bite out of every single item of fruit in this basket.  Orange peel tastes like diesel fuel, in case you were wondering.”

“Hey Mom, I’m just up here eating all. the. things.  Kale is not quite as good as escarole, but it’s slightly less bitter than bleach.”

“Hey Amelia, I know you spent hours building this cool gingerbread house, and you probably don’t want me to obliterate it, but it’s my job to eat all the things.”

“Hey Mom, this light is burned out.  If you let me stay up here for a couple more minutes, I’ll try to fix it.  I’ll probably burn the house down, too, because that’s how I roll.”

Lily:  Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
Lily:  Sorry, I lost my train of thought because I saw this glass of milk and knew I had to stick my fist right into it forthwith."

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So we took Jill’s advice and put the chairs on their sides on the floor.

“Hey Mom, I’m smiling like a jerk because within about five minutes, I’m going to figure out how to push these over to the table and climb up.  Nice try, though, Mom.  It was a cute idea, LOL.”

“Hey Mom, thanks for putting all the things on the table.  Imma go eat them now.”

The Lily Chronicles: Trouble with Toilets

The Lily Girl, awake and chipper at 2:30 am.  Every night.

Preface:
Most of you are familiar with the fact that my second-born child is possessed.  In the womb she entertained herself by kicking me constantly, stretching into a fully horizontal position, doing somersaults,  jumping up and down on my pelivc floor,  and/or positioning herself on top of my right ovary (inducing massive levels of pain… think broken femur) for the majority of her stay.

Since arriving Earth-side, she has found myriad other ways to while away her time.  Read:  she is the most mischievous angel-straight-from-heaven you ever did meet.  I’ve tried to capture many of these moments on camera so that I might someday say, “Dearest daughter, you owe it to me to take care of me in my old age because LOOK at all these shenanigans I put up with.”  I thought I might make a blog post about her endeavors of evil; however, upon compiling the collected photos last night, I discovered that I had well over eighty – far too many for one post.  So without further ado, I bring you The Lily Chronicles.  These posts are dedicated to the Children Jones, who delight in Lily’s wickedness.
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It’s unclear whether Lily is aware of why toilets were actually invented, but she has found several alternative uses for the objects:

A swimming pool:

A reading chair:

A washing machine:

A toy box:

And in addition to misusing toilets, she seems to think plungers make perfect walking sticks. 

There is some evidence that she understands the measure of the commode’s creation.  The other day I walked into the bathroom to find this scene:

Me: What’s that, Lily?

Lily:  Bunny go pee. 

She then closed her eyes and nodded several times, as is her way when she knows something to be true.

Play

Since exiting my womb 21 months and 2 days ago, Lily has not stopped making noise. Her auditory repertoire has evolved from cooing to babbling to shrieking to shouting to talking. Once her first word (doggie) was uttered, she seemed to realize how powerful language is and has learned a thousands words a day since. And the girl. does. not. stop. talking. ever.

A sampling of what one might hear any given minute:

“We go to the park? Go to the park? The park? PARK PARK PARK? I like the park?”

“I can has a hot dog? I can has a cookie? Lily has some cheese? No… no cheese. I has a circle cracker? I can has water? I can has more cookie? Cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie. We go to the park?”

“It’s a lamp, it’s a couch, it’s a ball, it’s a chair. It’s a purple chair. It’s a purple purple purple chair. It’s a light. It’s a door. It’s a jacket. It’s a purple, purple chair. It’s a pen. It’s a puppy puppy puppy puppy puppy PUPPY!”

“Mommy tickle my toes? Tickle my belly? Tickle my toes? Tickle my nose? Tickle my ears? TICKLE MY TOES MOMMY!!!! We go to the park again?

I would estimate that she asks to go to the park about three or four hundred times a day. Fortunately, we live near many excellent parks – several of which are a short walk away.  I’m a huge, huge, huge believer in the importance of unstructured play in cognitive and emotional development, so to the park we go – sometimes three or four times a day.