Perspective, III

This week has been a bit rough for me as I’ve entered a new phase of being a parent. The first phase (which we shall call “panic” for simplicity) started when we brought our baby daughter home from the NICU, and was characterized by a constant anxiousness over her well being. I scrutinized her feedings, monitored her breathing, took every SIDS-prevention precaution known to man, examined her for signs of overstimulation, and told her I loved her fifty to seventy times a day.

And now… I still do all those things.

But I’m much more relaxed about it.

As in, I feel myself letting go of some of the anxiety that something awful could happen at any moment. My girl eats voraciously and is deliciously chubby, lets me know she’s alive by sucking noisily at her binky all day and all night, smiles and coos almost constantly while she’s awake, and seems to think her life is at least bearable.

With this not-unwelcome relaxation, and perhaps coincident with my return to work, I have begun to vaguely recall my life before parenthood. I used to sleep – sometimes for nine or ten gluttonous hours; I used to go out – often several times a week; I used to exercise – get this – whenever I wanted to. I would bike along cliffs, hike through chest-deep rivers, skinnydip by moonlight, climb 200-foot-tall rocks, sleep in the desert, eat with two hands, go to concerts and shows, stay up late, eat extremely spicy food with garlic, and… sigh… you get the gist.

Now, I consider it an exciting day if I get a chance to go to Speedy’s and eat a ginormous hotdog (thanks, Erin). This week in particular I’ve felt overwhelmed by the daily rigamorales of reproductive labor (the never-shrinking piles of laundry, the never-prepared homemade meals, the never-ending diaper changing); I’ve felt discouraged by my altered social life (“Wow, it sounds like you had an awesome spur-of-the-moment weekend kite-surfing in Barbados… did I tell you that Amelia alternates among three different colors of Poop? It’s totally wild…”); I’ve felt tired and sleep-deprived like I never knew was possible; I’ve felt angry that my body is strange and asymmetrical and neither my maternity nor pre-pregnancy wardrobes fit.

This afternoon I packed up my baby and my angst and went to the grocery store with Tim. As I was comparing cost-per-ounce labels with Amelia strapped in a Baby Bjorn, several persons approached me to see the smiling baby. This is something I’ve become used to on the East Coast (“God love ya, she’s absolutely beautiful!”), where babies aren’t as common as they are back home (“Is this your fifth or sixth?”). I usually smile and chat with such people, but today I was packing some angst (as previously mentioned), so I nodded politely at passerbyes and baby coo-ers and kept shopping.

I was ready to go home and go to bed when I spotted yet another woman approaching me. But not just any woman; this one had clearly been walking this earth for nearly a century – maybe more. Her skin was leathery and brown with spots, her hair was thin and white, her nose was bejeweled with warts, and her eyes were glossy and turbid. She walked slowly and deliberately – one foot after another – and reached out for shelves and floor freezers for balance. When she arrived, she opened her mouth to speak. It took several moments for words to form, and her head shook with the effort of concentration. When she finally spoke, her voice shook as well. “H-h-h-ow old?” she asked.

I said, “Four months.”

She nodded repeatedly as she looked over the baby, taking in every ounce. One of her wobbly hands reached out to give Ameli'as foot the slightest wiggle. She finally looked back up at me and said, “You must be…” Her voice cracked and tears appeared in the corners of her eyes. She regained composure and said, “You must be just… just dizzy… with delight.” I looked at the old lady, looked at my baby, and somehow time froze in the same way it did after my daughter was born. “Yes,” I said.

I did come home, but I didn’t go straight to bed. I held my daughter; rocked her for an hour after she fell asleep, and breathed in her baby perfume, which is a special combination of baby lotion, baby sweat, regurgitated breastmilk, and Desitin. Amelia sucked contentedly on her fingers, and threw in an occasional snort for good measure.

Who needs kite-surfing?