Erin recently sent me a blog post about a woman who had some romanticized notions about being a mom. Before she had a child. I've decided to confess some of my preconcieved notions about being pregnant. Before I was pregnant.
1. I, *Laura*, will not get morning sickness. Honestly, I truly (I'm not kidding... truly) thought that because I didn't get car-sick or nausiated from roller coaster rides, I would be spared from the humiliation and inconvenience associated with frequent regurgitation of partially digested food stuffs. Ha ha ha. Ha... ... Haauuuuuuck. The truth is that I secretly detest every living human who only has to taste their meals once.
2. Even if I, *Laura*, experience morning sickness, I will exercise one or two hours every single day. Yep... I will tough it out... I will jog / swim / cycle / do yoga / lift weights / do 600 kegals every hour ... even though turning my head too quickly or listening to upbeat music makes me run for the nearest ladies' chamber. Sure, I will be super-awesome-exercise-obsessed prego woman. In an alternate universe.
3. I will eat 10-20 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, drink only water, skim milk, or 100% fruit juice, and stay far away from preservatives and everything evil about processed food. Actually, I will eat anything (thrice-fried chicken... an entire bag of colored marshmallows... antifreeze...) that sounds remotely tolerable. And I will drink Diet Coke if it is within arm's reach... even if it belongs to the stranger sitting next to me who clearly has tuberculosis.
4. Despite having severely decreased energy, I will make an effort to look pretty every day. Ha ha ha. Ho ho ho. He he he. My blow dryer hasn't been plugged in for 21 weeks; hairspray and all other fragrance-weilding substances have been banned from the house; my makeup has been neglected so long that it's growing several species of molds.
5. Even if I'm exhausted and feel like I've been hit by a truck, I will remain professional at all times at work; in fact, nobody will even know I'm expecting. Actually, I've managed to terrify every female of child-bearing age in the microbiology department out of having children in the next century or two. It is difficult to remain professional when relaying stories related to public vomiting, pregnancy-induced incontinence, and sleep-preventing pelvis-kickings. It's also difficult to remain professional when I see a tasty-looking bit on somebody's lunch tray, and instead of saying, "That looks good," I say, "That looks good. Can I have it?"
6. I will never, ever, under any circumstances, pass gas within a radial mile of another human. I don't want to talk about it.
14 comments:
21 weeks? Does that mean you'll find out the gender? ... or maybe that was a preconceived notion, too... I had many misguided plans. Ha ha ho ho he he. Wait until you haven't touched a razor in 21 weeks... And then suddenly you weigh as much as your partner. Then it gets REAL. But good. :) we ought to talk sometime.
I had the same preconceived notions too. ;) UT will be here before you know it.
I don't know what you're talking about. My pregnancy was perfect and I never, ever passed gas. How embarrassing.
I love your sense of humor on this posting. I have laughed so hard I've cried. I think we've all secretly hoped we wouldn't get nauseated. Oh well. It really makes you thankful for after the baby comes!
It is amazing how we get humbled in our lives and realize just how little control we actually have in situations, even gassy ones!
ha ha ha. I'm glad when you use your misfortunes to provide entertainment for others!!! I am sorry about the morning sickness though. That's no fun at all. So I didn't realize we were both expecting. Are you 21 weeks along? congratulations! I promise, it's all worth it. Eventually.
I hear you Laura, I had all those goals and ideas too, those many years ago. They all went to pot about three weeks after conception.
The sick part about all this is that there are women out there who manage to pull it off with those goals in tact. I even know a few. They are sick!!!
I still remember "redecorating" my bedroom when I was pregnant with Jacob. It involved a lot of me sitting in the middle of the bedroom floor and taking deep breaths or moaning while watching Karen and Zack do everything for me. Good times ahead, though!
And after the baby makes it's grand debut...you will forget all the pain and inconvenience ever occurred.
Or, so I hear. ;)
Well at least you can still plan on a 45-minute unmedicated labor with Enya and Clannad playing in the background, a cute Etsy homemade Chic hospital robe, and absolutely no pain because you've hypnotized yourself into thinking contractions are hugs for the baby. And when baby makes the entrance, you'll be salon-fresh ready to greet her with a kiss and a hair-bow. Yay!
Make that a pink hair bow! Sorry about the genetics side of life! As far as forgetting all of the bad days, forget that! I remember each one and I have late states of alzheimers! (J/K)!
Ha. Man pluming rocks.
ha ha, I caught that you were two weeks ahead of me, but I didn't want to correct you because NOW I will have no excuse for being twice your size when I see you!! I told Aaron you thought you were huge, and he said (I quote), "Yeah, she THINKS that, but I doubt it. You can show her." Ha ha ha. Nothing like a vote of confidence from your hubby :-)
That's sooooo funny. I will now commit to never develop preconceived notions about the following: marriage, pregnancy, raising children, raising teenagers, swimming with sharks, skydiving, or playing with sharp objects. :)
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